Examples of Shame and 4 Strategies to Fight It

What are the words you beat yourself up with?

Consider what you say to yourself when you’ve made a mistake, experienced a rejection, or been exposed in some way that was uncomfortable. Do you notice examples of shame messages inside of yourself like these:

• You’re a terrible person.
• You’re not worthy of love.
• You deserve this bad thing that’s happened.
• You’re making a fool of yourself.
• Who do you think you are?

You wouldn't say these things to your worst enemy, yet somehow, a voice in your mind has mastered the art of shaming you incessantly.

Let me be clear: shame is not constructive; it’s toxic. It’s not how God sees you, nor is it how God wants you to see yourself. That’s why understanding shame is crucial, so you can learn to combat it effectively.

We all are hard on ourselves occasionally, but shame takes self-scrutiny to a whole new level. There's a distinct difference between feeling bad about a mistake or sad about a missed opportunity versus the pervasive feeling of shame that saturates every fiber of your being. Shame zeroes in on your vulnerabilities—your pain, limitations, insecurities, and struggles—and mercilessly parades them in front you. It drives you toward isolation and keeps you small, steering you away from the path of growth and transformation.

Let's explore some examples of shame and four strategies to fight it.

Shame from Past Wounds

Perhaps as a child, your parents neglected you, leaving you feeling unworthy of care. Or maybe a family member was overly critical, constantly focusing on your mistakes, which left the younger parts of you feel perpetually inadequate. As an adult, you understand these perceptions are not accurate. However, shame exploits these vulnerabilities and amplifies them when anything remotely hard or painful happens. If you find yourself grappling with persistent shame stemming from childhood wounds, consulting a counselor could be beneficial. Therapy can help you heal these wounded parts of yourself and embrace deep self-honoring that God wants for you.

Shame from Comparison to Others

Sometimes shame thrives on comparing you unfavorably to others. It's one thing to acknowledge someone else's successes or strengths; it's quite another to use those observations to berate yourself for always being "less than." When shame takes over, you might find yourself making harsh comparisons like these:

• She never gets angry with her kids. She's a good mom; I’m a bad mom.
• She has so many friends. I’m not lovable like she is.
• That couple has what I'll never have. I’m not worthy of that kind of love.

These shaming messages often operate subconsciously, making them particularly dangerous. That's why it's crucial to identify and confront them. The exercise below will guide you in doing just that.

Shame from Exposure

Shame from exposure can stem from taking a risk or experiencing failure. In the first scenario, you might feel shame after speaking up for yourself or presenting your work for public critique. In these cases, you haven't done anything wrong—in fact, you've done something courageous! Yet, taking any sort of risk can leave you feeling vulnerable, and this discomfort, even when it’s a healthy vulnerability, can stir up shame, giving it a chance to tap on old wounds.

In the second scenario, you may have actually failed or made a mistake. Perhaps your boss pointed out an error, or a friend called you out.  Making a mistake is never pleasant, but it presents a great opportunity for growth. However, instead of viewing failure or a mistake as a chance to learn, shame can take over, creating turmoil within. This shame spiral emotionally overwhelms you. What could have been a constructive situation becomes excruciating and even immobilizing.

Exposure is an inevitable part of being human—it comes with taking healthy risks and the vulnerability that comes with letting yourself be seen. However, shame obstructs this growth process, coaxing you to stay small and invisible.

Shame from Rejection

Rejection occurs in both big and little ways. We encounter mini rejections daily—perhaps feeling a sting when a spouse is curt or a friend doesn't reply to a text. Often, these mini-rejections aren't truly rejections; our loved ones are only human, after all. However, parts of you might still feel the sting as rejection, allowing shame to creep in.

At other times, the rejection is unmistakable. Someone might break up with you, or a friend may walk away. The shame from this kind of rejection can be overwhelming. Instead of addressing your pain with compassion, you might find yourself internalizing the blame and criticizing yourself harshly: "You are not worthy of love," or "It's your fault this happened!" Shame distorts your perspective, making you feel insignificant, fundamentally flawed, or unworthy.

The truth is, shame is deceptive. It doesn't strengthen you; rather, it sows chaos and keeps you from growing. Shame needs to be countered with the truth of Jesus’ authority and the reality of God’s unshakable love.

4 Strategies to Fight Shame

1. Get curiousabout shame triggers.

Getting curious about shame helps you differentiate from it. By focusing on it consciously, rather than letting it operate subtly within you, you can gain distance from it. Ironically, noticing shame, weakens its grip. To begin, ask yourself, 

What are the common triggers that make me feel inadequate or unworthy?

Reflect on moments when you feel suddenly small, embarrassed, or less than. These can be interactions, situations, or even memories that consistently bring up feelings of shame.

2. Challenge negative self-talk.

When you catch yourself feeling shame, pause and notice the negative messages. Write down what you notice. Psychiatrist Curt Thompson encourages keeping a shame inventory each day. This exercise is not to encourage you to dwell on the negative messages, but instead to interrupt the shaming neural pathways in your brain. As you become more aware of that shame pathway, you can consciously redirect it. Instead of going down the road to shame, you can pick a new direction.

3. Write a holy reframe.

Replace the shaming message with more balanced, kind, and truth-filled statements about yourself or about what happened. Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a friend in distress. .Here are some examples.

Instead of thinking "I'm such a failure," remind yourself, "Every step, even the missteps, are part of my path to healing and growth."

Instead of "I'm not worthy of love," remind yourself, "I'm inherently worthy, loved, and valued; I'm a uniquely designed soul made to reflect God's image."

Instead of "I'm not good enough," remind yourself, "I'm unique and irreplaceable, bringing something to the world that no one else can."

4. Share your feelings of shame with a safe person.

Shame cannot withstand the attentive and compassionate presence of someone who truly sees and loves you. If you find yourself wrestling with shame, seek out a trustworthy confidant to share the negative messages. By openly discussing your feelings of shame with someone who loves and supports you, you accelerate the healing process. This shared experience can transform shame into a catalyst for growth and deeper connection.

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Working through these strategies will equips you to combat shame. When shame arises, you'll be ready to confront it with courage and tenacity. Shame's power in your life will diminish.

Remember: God's voice is never shaming.

God comes alongside you and joins with you in loving, truth-filled ways that always lead to growth and transformation.

Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.—Lamentations 3:22-23